randomly checked my hits and it seems that someone has been googling me :) so i thought i'll update another entry for whoever it is to screenshot more.

it's funny.

it's funny how we're all hypocrites.

i blogged because mainly i've been expressing myself in words ever since i could write. my teachers in secondary school have always praised me for being so descriptive & always so on point with what i want to bring across. on the personal side, i write because i don't know how to tell anyone else how fucked i'm feeling.

my marriage isn't perfect - we fight, we argue, we ignore each other days on end. farley isn't perfect - he has many flaws and yes, he did flirt around. you'd find countless of entries about how fucked he is but yet, it's so easy for you to point this out to every single person you know without realizing how you're the exact same kind of person. neither farley nor i am a third party to anyone's marriage, nor are we constantly attracted to someone who's married/attached. i'm not proud of what either of us has done, but i can proudly tell you that we're moving on strong.

i may be "silly" or "stupid" to love him and may have given one too many chances but i know at least i'm fighting hard for my own happiness.

my blogs aren't private simply because i'm not ashamed to hide anything and that this is ALSO me albeit a little more depressing/emotional than what i really appear in real life but that's only because i don't want people i love to worry about me. i've had friends/family members who stumbled upon my blog and have asked me in real life if i'm doing okay - and i like that. because they don't judge and they genuinely care.

to try and manipulate people i consider family with entries i've written here, that's despicable. you'd find nothing but how i've constantly tried to accommodate to everyone, about how i've love/loved so much and yet when i get pushed away, i am still loving them.

to try and tarnish my husband's and my marriage's by smearing shit all over,  that's even more pathetic. reflect yourselves - your past marriages/relationships aren't so picture perfect either and yet i've not gone around telling people anything. i tried, he tried, and Alhamdullilah, things are going well between us despite everything that's going on - including my etopic surgery - in which any case if you don't know, i bled 2.5litres of blood internally and could have died if the ambulance was any later.

remember: "Islam permits divorce, but according to the Hadith, it is one of the most displeasing acts in the sight of Allah. In fact, the divorce procedure is so designed to allow every chance for conciliation. Under Islamic law, divorce must be pronounced three times, with an interval of a month between each pronouncement. During this time, the wife stays in the family home (unless she has committed adultery), and reconciliation is encouraged. If the divorce does become final, the husband is instructed to "send her away in kindness." He is financially responsible for his children until they come of age, and is responsible for his wife for a period (iddat) after the divorce." 

so don't just preach about ugama & yet spit on His commands. 

if anything, i think we both deserve a pat on our shoulders for not throwing the towels in and for trying even more. furthermore, are YOU providing for me? are YOU taking care of me? do you run out at 3am in the morning because i'm hungry? do YOU cab down in the middle of your night shift just because i said i felt sick? do YOU come home to put food  on my table? did you in anyway PROVIDED for me? do YOU in anyway bought me random gifts just because? do YOU call me every hour the next day just because you THINK i'm depressed? you know the answer. 

don't be a darn hypocrite and spread shit about me to people you've never once considered your family because they shunned you. 

p/s: since you're googling, you would know that i do have 2 other personal blogs. they are of course, more happier, more positive and although they aren't as many post, they are ALSO me. they don't have as many post simply because this blog started all the way since 2006/2007 and partly because i get excited and distracted whenever i try to write entries on the other blogs and always leave them as drafts :) 

p/p/s: internet and3g is so accessible nowadays. you have my facebook, my twitter, my instagram, my mobile number.  wanted to blog a super wordy post out, but suddenly felt so much pain in the lower back so i'm sprawled on my side instead sigh. Maybe tomorrow i'll rant it out. feels so 'stuck' right now. the world is fucked up. Singapore is fucked up. If it wasn't for the house, i doubt we would have been married. I mean i know i married bcos of love, but i'm pretty sure it's a different story all together for him.

like all my other blog entries, i am in a crazy crazy depress sort of place right now. to this day, i won't deny, that i have the slightest 'hope' that he'll one day snap out but i know it's pointless.. but i am still hoping.

he hasnt once ask me to stand strong. Hasnt once convinced me that he'll be there. Hasnt once asked if i'm doing okay. Hasnt once reassured me that our relationship will be okay. That we'll work on it but instead.. all i hear is the physical stuff. 'Our new home will be awesome' 'renovations will be fun' 'we can sit by the balcony and chill' it's all a fantasy in his mind and there's NO effort in reality to make those fantasies real. Not to mention his constant need to rant about money all the time. Yes sure we need money but what can I do if it's not even payday yet? Would money grow faster on trees if all you contact me for everyday is for money?

I'm tired. I'm done putting effort, having hopes. I'm tired of wishing he'll wake up and actually TRY to put in REAL effort to make those dreams come true. I'm tired and I just want to be happy.

And if YOU are reading this, feel free to misinterpret all this into your own words like you always do.

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)