Hello non-existent people!


I'm really pissed right now 'cause someone insisted on me playing gooseberry and when I refused, she was like saying she'll stop going out with me or going home with me, blah blah blah. So I got extremely pissed, agitated, frustated, whatever you want it to be. Just to let you guys know, I don't really appreciate anyone taking control of my life.


Also, I've been pondering over the real meaning of friends now. It's been like two weeks now and still I've haven't got the answer yet. Friends but not friends? Friends you detest? Friends whom you control? Friends whom you treat like dogs? Friends you use for substitudes? Friends, do they even exist? I've got plenty of friends but out of that many, I really wonder how many of them are truly my friends? A handful, I guess. And the rest? They probably fall into the category of acquaintances. And seriously, if any of my 'friends' actually thought that I've changed ever since sec one, then I seriously doubt them as my friends. I've haven't changed- you just knew me better, but not enough it seems.


Enough of that shit. The school's getting worse it seems. No offense but I seriously feel like a prisoner in there. And come on, how does anyone even concentrate while being watch by all those senseless number of cameras installed by the school? Andd, it doesn't make sense to shut the stupid shutter which links the AVA room and the classroom block. It tires me alot to walk one hell of a big, fat round and to be late for lesson (which didn't seem to bother me much la.)


I just thought of something I told someone two days back. I thought well, since we've been good friends and all and she's not the sort to go running to tell anyone about it even though it's fucking tempting, I thought that I might just tell her abit of my past. And I cried. I didn't know whether she saw it or not but I fucking cried. I didn't realise it'll still hurt me, making me feel, well, angry. She told me what's the feeling like, to stand alone, in front of everyone and all I could think of was red- angry.


I guess some of you would know that my parents got divorced when I was still pretty young- when I was in primary two, I guess. Anyways, the children of the divorced couple would have to make a choice of either the mother or the father. If I was much older, it wouldn't have made such an impact to me. Or if my sister was with me. But I was alone. My sister was too young to make a decision.


I was ushered into a big room. On one end of the room was some sort of a mini playground and on the other side was a table and a couple of chairs. They chucked my sister on the mini playground and led me to the table. The counsellor asked me to draw pictures of my family but I drew only my sister and I. Slowly, she started shooting me with questions like who treated me better and the more painful question- who did I love more. It hit me there and then that I have to go break either one of my parents heart so I said both but they told me to chose one. I kept mum.


I don't know how long but they ushered me to the court then. There, I stood alone. The judge was kind but I was shit scared. I saw my parents staring straight into me. I heard them saying something about them taking good care of them and sure as hell wouldn't choose the other one. I remember being angry- angry that they couldn't be bothered about how I felt, about it'll affect me and how it'll change me. All they fucking care was about winning the stupid custody. And to tell you the truth, I randomly picked my mother to hold my custody. I couldn't care less about it. To me, both betrayed us, destroyed me mentally. I couldn't bring myself to trust anybody. That's why I've always rather play a 'solo' game. I rather trust myself and lost then lost because of some idiot.


Fuck, I can't believe I just fucking type this and cried while at it. Whimp. 

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