It's been so long since I last wrote an entry. And today, when I finally do, it's a pretty emotional one. Today marks the day I ended my almost 4years of relationship with Imran.

I've always thought when it comes to ending this relationship, I'll be clingy, difficult and crying so hard but right now, tears are just streaming down my cheeks but nothing else. I'm thinking straight, no suicide thoughts and I know, deep down.. I'll be alright again.

So things didn't turn out the way I hope it would. I chose a bastard over my family. Stupidly believing that he would be a better man.. That he would change for me. And that somewhere down the road, my family will overtime accept him once he's changed. But, now I see, my family members are right. That I was foolish enough to believe him. That I was naive enough that he had changed for the better but sigh.. he's still the same. Lying, cheating piece of shit.

Even when it comes to confronting his lies.. He makes up lies to cover up his lies. He'll go all out to protecting himself, to make sure that he's not the guilty one. That he's the perfect innocent guy all this while. And it frustrates me.. that he chooses to guilt trip me to believing that he's telling the truth by saying, it's cus I have trust issues that why I chose to believe what I think is right. It worked every single time for him whenever he said that but not til recently.. when all his lies were exposed.. Or at least I think some of it.

Listing out his lies here will be never ending. I guess, it's a good thing that I'm finally out from this relationship. Sure, I'll be financially stuck. Sure, my online shop project will be put on hold. Sure, life will seem much more mundane wout a guy in my life. But at least I know I won't hurt myself. At least I'm guranteed 100% safe from lies. And at least, I won't have to keep second guessing everything he does.

Ever since we've been living together, I've been the working working everyday. I've been the one making sure that rental is paid up every month. I had ideas for ourselves to push ourselves to our limit, to make sure we could have better lifes. To make sure Amelia would have sufficient for herself when she's older. To make sure no one else would look down upon us when we succeed. But now.. he says, he want his money back because this is all my idea?? Like wtf??

I guess now.. I've seen all his true colours.

And if I fall back to his same trick, someone please throw ice cold water in my face and punch me real hard. This bastard has caused me enough grief. Much more than anyone else in my life has given me.

I'm more determined than ever to strike it out on my own now. I don't need him nor his money. I don't need his love nor his lies. I stood on my own 2 feet before. And I'm sure I can now.

I lost my friends, my education, my family even for this man who cares nothing but for himself. Who only priortise his lan gaming and virtual girls than someone in reality loving him.

Those who knew me before I met Imran would agree that I've changed. I think twice before I do anything.. I was rash by then. Teen angst. I put him before myself. I didn't have anyone to think about then. I worked hard to make sure no one looked down on me(vball) and now...?

I screwed up.

But I know I can make it up to Amelia. I just have to get out from this mess and start thinking straight. I need help. But who's there? No one's gonna understand.

Buck up Nooraini. Buck up and stay strong.

I'm sorry Ayah.

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)