a taste of suicidal
That's just how it is
Friday, January 20, 2012 , 0 Comment
Frankly, my love life isn't as "stable" as what others may seem for it to be. True, he gets along well with my family members. True, we spend time together a lot, we talk, we share, we laugh and we cry. True, he knows me almost inside out. True, we've planned our future together and true, he does, at times, care about me. But no, I don't trust him, neither do I believe he loves me with all his heart, or maybe just enough to not hurt me at all. I have doubts whenever he's out alone, even at work, or whenever he's sick at home alone. I don't think for a moment that I have enough faith him that he wouldn't hurt me, and that one day, he might just leave me for another.
Whenever I'm not around him, I get worried sick. I get paranoid, I get flustered, I panic so very often, it tires me out. What is he doing? Why isn't he answering my calls/texts? Why can't he just take a minute to reply me? I get so annoyed and irritated sometimes that I'll forget to even think that maybe, just maybe he might be busy with work. All that is in my mind is that he's up to no good again. I think of the worse of him and in short, I have absolutely no trust in Farley and I'm pretty sure it goes the same for him (even if he insists otherwise.)
Yes, I am THAT possesive, THAT controlling and THAT demanding. Maybe this is why whenever he does little things like just telling me he's out for lunch with a bunch of colleagues and I'll feel safe. Secured even. And the crazy thing is that it actually puts a smile to my face. People'd say that I'm breathing down his neck, not giving him space, etc. People'd roll their eyes, asking me why are we even together if I don't even have faith in this relationship. Well.. because I think he's worth the shot. Because I think, he's worth the hurt he'd possibly inflict on me.
Yes, I am THAT possesive, THAT controlling and THAT demanding. Maybe this is why whenever he does little things like just telling me he's out for lunch with a bunch of colleagues and I'll feel safe. Secured even. And the crazy thing is that it actually puts a smile to my face. People'd say that I'm breathing down his neck, not giving him space, etc. People'd roll their eyes, asking me why are we even together if I don't even have faith in this relationship. Well.. because I think he's worth the shot. Because I think, he's worth the hurt he'd possibly inflict on me.
I guess, I am this negative because of how we ended up being together. I guess, I am this negative because I'd rather be mentally prepared for the worse than believing that he's true to me. At least that way, when I'm right, it wouldn't hurt so much and when I am wrong and he's right and he was never at all cheating/lying to me, then it'll be like a sweet surprise for me. I guess, loyalty and sincerity comes as a bonus to me in a relationship.
Despite all this negativity I have about love and relationships, I believe that somehow is love is true, he'd never hurt me. If he's the one for me, he'd never hurt me. If we're meant to be, and if fate has it, no matter what happens, he'll be there for me. If not, and patience has run out on me, I'll take it as my cue to leave.Yes, I am that dreamy, that hopeful and that pathetic.
I'm not saying I'm all that perfect either. On top of being possessive, controlling and demanding, I have my shortcomings as well. My short temper, my blunt words, etc. I don't think before I talk, and my words are sometimes, a little too hurtful. I'm ignorant to a lot of things, and sometimes, I do tell white lies.
Being with me isn't easy, and whenever Farley's in the wrong, and he knows he's wrong, my words tend to be little more hurtful than they normally are. Being with me, it's like being with a time bomb. I tend to question why, why would he do that, why would he even hurt me. I'll get so caught up emotionally, I forget how to differentiate between truth and lies.
But when we're happy, we're awesome. We're like invincible when we're having fun. Maybe over a cup of frappe at Starbucks, chatting just between the two of us. Or walking around aimlessly around town, or clubbing or even just slacking in front of the telly, watching drama series.
Let's all hope, that this time I'm right about Mr Right.
Being with me isn't easy, and whenever Farley's in the wrong, and he knows he's wrong, my words tend to be little more hurtful than they normally are. Being with me, it's like being with a time bomb. I tend to question why, why would he do that, why would he even hurt me. I'll get so caught up emotionally, I forget how to differentiate between truth and lies.
But when we're happy, we're awesome. We're like invincible when we're having fun. Maybe over a cup of frappe at Starbucks, chatting just between the two of us. Or walking around aimlessly around town, or clubbing or even just slacking in front of the telly, watching drama series.
Let's all hope, that this time I'm right about Mr Right.
