spent over 3 hours crying and screaming on the phone. i guess i should have done that earlier bcos i must have felt better - dont remember falling asleep and I woke up 8ish which frankly is a first in the many weeks.

dont seem to be able to pick myself up lately. i *thought* i was okay last weekend but nope, not okay. so much hate bcos he seemed to be doing perfectly fine blaming everyone else about everything.

makes me wonder abit.. am i that stupid to be in this situation right now? such a stark contrast between us, him happy and me pathetic. it's a little like a fishing game he's playing with me, reeling me in with sweet nothings then the next thing pushing me so far away with lies and blames and whatnot.

i'm so tired to keep pretending to be happy. my colleagues are awesome but they don't know the shit that i'm going thru so they like asking me about my family and i've been so vague about everything cos it's just so hard.

next week i'll be at NUS store instead. not looking forward bcos the travelling distance is at least 2 hours from home and that means more time alone for me which i absolutely hate. and NUS store means much lesser sale for me, and i won't have my intercom there... Which sucks. tryna keep my spirits up but with all the shit that has been going on lately, it's going to be tough. so for the past few weeks, i've been in a really bad kind of place. i slipped into a little depression and i've been either locking myself up in my room or pretending that i'm okay.

truth is: i'm not okay.

but i started feeling a lot better recently though and i was just deleting old pictures and i came across one of my old albums entitled Raya 2012. instantly felt sad.

every since my supposed marriage, i never once got to address my father in law as dad, my sister & brother in law as siblings or even visited his late mum but yet, it's ending and i will never have that chance.


i will never have that chance to congratulate my SIL personally on her pregnancy and i just know she'd be a wonderful mum just like how she is towards the guys. and i never once gotten a chance to give my BIL a pat on his back just to keep his spirits up or something, given his current situation or to even tell my other SIL to hang in there. I mean, i could always message them on facebook... But it's not the same you know?

and to top everything off, i feel so so sad that everytime i meet dalley, its always in a bad time. Before the wedding, i've always seen him like my own brother and when i got married it was like yay! I'm really his sister now. but..... There was never really a happy moment was there? not between us but with all that was going on, we could never be enjoying ourselves like we did before.

i feel........ Much more sadden about all of the above rather than my failed relationship. I honestly felt that if i did a better job at clearing up that minor misunderstanding back in 2012... things would have been better.


For now... It's just me trying to stand up by myself again. wedding counter on the wedding blog says i have 26 more days.. and i feel so miserable.

during the weekends, we had a bazaar. i was pretty much looking forward to it because we did so well for the 1st time. i woke up pretty chirpy, but of course things had to happen, and i had that nudging hunch that the weekends would suck.

first - dalley wasn't around in the morning. (am not going to blog anything about it but i was pretty disappointed)
second - farley took his own sweet time meeting me in the office and mama got pissed off cos she couldn't wait.
third - damn nets machine was down
fourth - i realized i forgot to print so many banners/flyers/signages
and the damn list just goes on..

eugene came a little while in the evening and.. he made me realized how alone i am in this.

i have no support. sure, farley & mama came to help me set up but both were throwing tantrums, both didn't bother trying to even feel the fucking pressure i had. both were just to busy hating each other. me? just someone they "love". i set up by myself, i had to sell by myself, and on top of everything, i'm expected to "feed everyone" because they "helped".

FOR FUCKING WHAT?

the black face they gave me all morning?

farley disappeared during the day as usual until mama left. dalley came and left for work. eugene stayed on and help me pack up on sat night. it sucked.

i woke up on sunday morning feeling a hell lot worse. i knew somehow that farley was going to find fault with me and throw a fucking tantrum to avoid "helping" (and i was right), my mother flared up at me for something that is BEYOND my fucking control and NO ONE HELPED.

and when i meant by nothing helped, I AM IN THIS SHIT EMOTIONALLY ALONE.

i chose the items, i had to do my damn surveys to check out which were the good ones. i ordered, and shipped. i unpack, create new labels, printed, cut and pasted them on. i did the website, the publicity, the advertising, the designing. i did the selling, the broastcasting, the manufacturing. i did everything.

no initiative..

no thank you..

no you deserve a good rest.

no nothing.

why am i trying so hard for something that wouldn't benefit me again?

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)