I'm back with a new entry! & Blogger now has a new interface which I think, is so must better than the previous one.

I guess, I'm only here to post an entry whenever I'm feeling down and out with no one to talk to huh?

So here I am, at work, alone for the 4th day. Rejected a colleague's offer to go for lunch since I don't have any appetite. My love life is pretty much on hold.

Farley basically ruined 1st day of Raya for me. I thought malam raya would be at his place, with his brothers & TJ and Niza. Preparing for morning Raya, chatting, watching tv and joking around. In the morning we'll wake up early, they had to prepare to go kubur and I had to go down to my dad's. I wanted to salam and ask for forgiveness for the previous week, we had been quarrelling real bad. But no, things didn't turn out that way.

Things soured.. And I caught him doing red handed doing stuff. & we just ended up going down the drain to a point when I told myself I am not going to try anymore and if he decides to fuck it up, so be it.

This point of time, I got to know Aminuddin during the Teacher's Day lunch over at the zoo. We exchanged numbers, and he pretty much knew I "had a boyfriend." And since Farley normally ignores me whenever we're out with his family (2-3 occassions I think), I normally ended up texting Amin. It was pretty harmless chat lah actually, talking about his and my life so far.

2days ago, my rs with Farley went down so badly. He ended up posting, "At least I bedded with all the girls I met." or something along that line. That was it. I broke it off. I told myself fuck it, I needed someone who at least gave a fuck about how I felt and not humilate and embarassed me online like that. I also told myself, I can do what he did. Better maybe cos I'm a girl.

Randomly went on Alamak, easiest place to get a guy's number btw, and started texting a guy from there. With only $2 in my wallet, Abang Dalley was worried about me so he invited me for dins with Abg Fadzil. I agreed. But Farley ended up going as well (which I assumed was Abg Dalley's attempt to patch things up between us) but Farley ended up making this arkward. Saying he wouldn't mind going for that blonde, or he wanted to buy high end shades and a couple more stuff, totally ignoring me. So I left since I didn't want Abg Dalley to be stuck between us.

Halfway home, TJ invited me for drinks at his place. I agreed. Told myself I can show Farley I can get whatever guy I want and he has no fucking right to stop me this time. I met new friends, mingled around with Jane and Rick. I was enjoying myself and halfway thru.. TJ told me Farley was otw there.

Cut story short, he told me he'll change and all that stuff which I've already heard in the past. I honestly can't remembered much since I had quite alot to drink by then but from the looks on Abg Dalley who came with, Farley was pretty serious then. He also got me a ring, which he said cost around $600+, which I knew was an immediate lie cos he'll never spend that amount on a tiny ring. (I googled back home and I was right, but hey it's the thought that counts just don't get why he had to lie to me about the price when I didn't even ask about it.) I did however, remembered bits and pieces of him telling Abg Dalley and TJ repeatedly that he love me and he knows that I'm the one for him.

The next day, he was pretty sweet to me. Even Abg Dalley posted on his wall saying he's proud that he's willing to change and all. I told Amin that's it. Farley is finally making an attempt to salvage our relationship and I at least have to try. As for the other fella, it was pretty hard since he deluded himself into thinking I was really serious about "us." when I never mentioned anything about us.

Farley came to know about it when he was checking my phone. I thought of denying it then I'm like fuck it, if he could do the same, what's 2 guys to him anw? So I was pretty mean about it. He thought I was pissed he found out, which wasn't really the case cos I couldn't give a flying fuck if he knew about it or not.

But it drawn on to me that, we're ALWAYS fighting. Its gonna sound wrong, but I know the problem lies with him and he was right, if we want things to work out between us, he has to start changing. I gave up trying, which led to the breakup 2 days back but now that he's trying, trying hard I might add cos he totally did not flare up and actually rationalized before confronting me, (although he did knock on Abg Dalley door to talk to him about it, fair enough I did the same back then) I still cannot just be nice to him and accept that he wants to change. I guess, deep down all I think about is how long is this "niceness" from him gonna last this time.

The whole freaking world knows I love him. Yet now the chance for us to get back on the right path, I'm making it hard for him. I guess, it's what happened when I lost faith, hope, trust and security in us.

How do you mend a broken relationship?

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)