it's that time again, when i start having doubts despite just having place a $2k deposit on photography just last night. it's not like i want to feel this way, it's not like he even tries to prevent it anyway.

i've been hearing too much talk about how his friends were being cheated off, how he was cheated by his ex-girlfriends, how his friends/him spend hundreds. thousands on their girlfriends only to be dumped for another guy. i've been hearing so much negativity about girls it's starting to get to me.

"you save so much, so hard only to spend on your girl but in the end, she leaves you leaving you will all the debts. you just made your life difficult for nothing. for what?"

then it hit me. is he with me now bcos he thinks his future will be brighter (self-employed, own company, own car, etc) rather than being employed under someone else earning about $2k; sufficient only for that month, no savings and running on empty?

granted he has sacrifice so much for me e.g. the most recent being his house proceeds for the new house. but is this like an "investment" for him? like what's $50k if you get to earn your own dough on your own time?

is it bcos that it is an "investment" for him that's why he's forced to be with me, enduring me? that's why emotionally he's not attached to me?

come on, anyone would be suspicious of their partner if he leaves home at midnight but i trusted him enough. promised to come back at 3am, but i woke up to an empty house. 6am i received a text that he's on the way home but i waited until 8. calls and texts went unanswered, and it was only until 830am before i saw him at the door. and yet, he smiled and thought everything was okay. no sorry, no hugs, no consoling.

what about my feelings?
my securities?
ensuring me that he's safe with his friends?
ensuring me that he was with his friends and no girl was involved??????

is leaving me all alone at home the kind of married life he wants?

the look that he gave me..... it was like i was in the wrong that i cried. that i got upset. it was like i am trying to cage him but... why can't it be that i am crying becos i know that i wasn't even in his mind? why can't it be that i'm crying bcos my feelings weren't considered? why can't it be that i'm upset bcos he think it's perfectly fine for him to disappear just and when he likes?

as i'm typing this.... tears are rolling down my cheeks... and yet he's behind happily chatting about girls with our staff.. i don't know what to think about this anymore.. sometimes i wonder if i'm the right person.

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)