i guest the blog name has a lot to do with the fact that i'm always here when i'm down and out without no one listening to me. with the creation of kahwinxjitters and koreancontactlens, i thought, hey, i've done enough to keep my man. i'm losing weight to look better, i'm dressing better, i'm even trying to earn more money so that we can live more comfortably. i'm even taking time to keep updates on our wedding preparations so that we'll have something to look back on..

i never thought i'll come back here for a very long time....

i've been awake since 2am, about half an hour or so of pretending to sleep, pretending i didn't see anything, pretending that it's fine. holding it back, trying not to let it affect me, but obviously i failed.

you noticed of cos, that i started sobbing but yet, you pretended not to know the reason why and it hurts even more. you easily brushed it off, trying not to even mentioned about it, hoping that it wasn't the reason why i broke down suddenly.

weren't we not okay before this?

weren't we not discussing our wedding details over dinner? joking around before bed? watching our chinese drama before some laptop time. going out a while for a breather... weren't we not okay?

i dreamt that another begged me to let you go - that you two were very much in love with each other. i woke up thinking thank god it's just a dream but.. little did i know that you were already busy making that dream come true.

there was no apology. there was no mention about it.. you were just sorry you were caught. again.

it's 8 more months to our wedding. i would have normally been okay but i'm not because we're different now. we're engaged, to be married in 8 months. we're not just girlfriend boyfriend anymore. we have a status together but it doesn't seem like it bothers you one bit.

and you know what's the worse of it all? you expecting me to cry it over for the night and be okay by tomorrow, pretending that i'm fine. pretending that it's okay for you to cheat. pretending that everything's fine like it's no big deal.

do my feelings not bother you one bit?

it's 4am now and still i can't bring myself to sleep. i need to get out but you;ll turn the tables against me, you'll tell me that i'm kicking such a big fuss. you'll tell me that you say sorry also no use. of course it isn't! you did it when we're engaged, due to be married in 8 months and we weren't even fighting!

now what am i supposed to thinking everytime you come back 'late' from work? what am i supposed to think everytime you're alone? what am i supposed to think now that you're working on your own? what am i supposed to think?!!?!?! did you not even think about my fucking security or feelings?!

i hate you.

i hate you for making me love you so much that just by you entering a chat room, it will affect me so much.

i really hate you.

paste your goodies , stuff or anything here :)