i cried, i broke down. i didn't understand why did you had to hurt me like this. i worked hard, i tried to earn more money for us. i thought hey, maybe if we had more money, you'll be happier with me. i worked hard on Batam Holidays and even harder on Haus of Spa. 

i tried dressing up better. i'm even doing all sorts to lose weight to look better. 

but.. all was in vain. 

i don't know what else am i lacking for you to hurt me like this. weren't we happy? what now? we had everything in control.. wedding.. house.. money.. future.. family.. but you didn't even think about what would happen to all those when you logged onto alamak. worst is that, you don't even feel remorseful and we both know that deep down, you'd do it again anyway. 

is that love? or is this stupidity. loving you, forgiving you, pretending nothing happened each time you cheated on me, each time you hurt me. every time i catch you cheating, you'd deny although recently you've stopped denying. and each time that happens, it's like a cycle. i burn, i break, i cry, i fall and you...? "i just don't wanna see you sad" 

is that how you love? 

i've always linken love to loyalty, faithful, sincerity, honesty, and most of all - how genuine is the heart. i don't know what else to do.. and i'm grateful that each time this happens, dalley & eugene have always been there for me otherwise.. i'd gone literally crazy. 

but do you care? 

do you care that it's killing me from the insides - each time you logged on, looking for sluts to fuck behind my back? do you care that i question myself, what the fuck is wrong with me, so many times a day, i feel like i'm going bonkers, pulling my hair out? do you even care if i one day, killed myself because i couldn't take all this unfaithfulness because the stress is too much. 

cheat on me if you don't love me. it's simpler for me to handle my own feelings. but cheating on me then telling me how much you love me, telling me how much you're looking forward to our "so called" future, over and over again... that's torture. that's emotionally killing me. 

don't make me hate you farley. i love you too much for you to toy me with me and if this love turns to hate, don't ever blame me. i tried too hard for my own good.